Thursday, May 8, 2008

a note to the man I love

I remember when we first started talking. There was an instant spark between us. You are the best guy in the world. I love you with all my heart. You are the only guy that has ever cared about me and for that I thank you.

There are times though (because of the situation we have.) where you say things and make it out that you have the worst life in the world. I'm sorry but you don't. I may not be there with you yet but your life is not as bad as you make it out to be. Does it have issues? Of course but things could definately be worse! You could be in my situation!!You also say words to me that hurt. You say you are trying to get through to me but in reality your making things worse. The things you say push me away and make me rethink what I really want. If that is what you are going for, it's working.

At this point I feel like I should just move somewhere and not tell anyone.I have told you all this but I still get the same shitty comments from you. I understand that you are strong that you are not weak like I am. But it's not like i want to be!! I love you and want you and us I just don't want to hurt. If you can stop hurting me and let me love you and I let you love me your own way than noone can stop us. But you have to decide.

And again the shit hits the fan

Well again the shit has hit the fan. After my post yesterday we ended up in the worse argument we have ever had at least according to me.

My health has not been good. I know that is a big factor. BUT, I mean if I have a problem and he is supposed to be the one that I can turn to what happens when I try and he has decided to take a day off from me? Should I have been upset? Yes because before he has always told me before he took off but I guess that is gone. I haven't even told him my desires and he is already pulling away. He called me, screamed at me, called me a fucking bitch, and threatened me all before he hung up on me without me being able to even say what was going on with me and why i needed him.

When I texted him he said he loved me and was sorry but when we talked later in the night it was clear that his anger was still there. We ended up fighting until after midnight and he hung up and I spent the night crying.

This morning he said he didn't want to fight he wanted to love me but again his anger was right there at the edge. And of course me being me I can't just let it go I push. And again we end up with him pissed at me and not talking to me. He knows I am jealous of his ex and the fact that he puts her before me and my needs drives me fucking insane. It's also a reason that I hold back my feelings and desires. because I can't stand to have more hurt. He is always ready to leave me so how can I tell him everything I feel and want? How can I do everything that I want to for us with the constant fear of being abandoned?

I know that if we are going to ever a chance that we need to be together and be strong as a couple. I would never cheat or leave him but how many times can I be told I'm replaceable and that he has plenty of fuck buddy's to go back to. I want to keep my promises and give us both the life that we want. I am just scared and he is the only one who can take my fears away but he is afraid to do it. He says he doesn't know how but if he doesn't know how than what the hell kind of a future will we ever have?

I love him with every ounce of my soul. I would do anything for him but I need to know that I matter too. That my needs and wants have importance to him.

If he calls me I will try harder to not let my wants and needs matter. i will try to just be me without telling him of my fears and desires. If he just walks away than I will start over. I will somehow find the strength I need to carry on and make my life work.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Well I actually managed to get thru an entire day without making him angry with me. That might not seem like much to most people but to me its an accomplishment. I don't know if it's the fact that we are physically apart or if it is just me that makes him so angry. It's probably a combination of both factors at this point.

Sometimes the simplest of phrases he takes as me being mean to him when to me I'm just playing. I just don't get it. Maybe it's just me being overly sensitive trying to make this relationship into what I need it to be when it clearly is just a normal vanilla love. Not that there is anything wrong with that because there isn't. And I love him more than I ever thought I could love anyone that didn't come out of my body lol.

Now as if it things weren't hard enough I am on bedrest. It's honestly like wtf! I mean how much more should I have to endure? Being ill for so long has totally changed my perception on life. I no longer feel like a normal member of society. And it also means that now instead of being able to disappear when the asshole ex comes over to see the child that I have to be here!! Which inevitably will cause an argument with the man.

All I know is right now I am stressed. I feel like I am running on empty and I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this. I keep thinking that tomorrow will be a better day but so far my tomorrows all have fallen short. I know I have to pull myself up because I'm the only one who can. But if I had a Master in my world wouldn't he be in control of the things that are causing me so much pain and stress? Wishful thinking I know.

Maybe today will be the day I will risk losing the man I love by telling him my deepest wants and needs. I just hate knowing in my heart that once I do I will again be alone and it won't seem worth it to myself in the now. Oh well what can I do? Either way at this point I'm going to be fucked.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Well here I go!!! My first attempt at blogging about the daily issues affecting my abilities to let go of my bratty ways. Lol I wonder how successful that will be. I have a deep need to be submissive. To let the man in my life take total control of every part of my world. The problem starts with me allowing him to know exactly what I desire.

He thinks that I want the control in our relationship but that most definately is not the case. I just know in my heart that he does not want the lifestyle that is at the center of my being and I'm too afraid to say it directly to him because I just can't handle hearing the words spoken out loud. That this is not the relationship he wants that he can't handle it and I need to find someone else. I love him and want only him. If I didn't than I wouldn't be so afraid.

How do you tell the man you love that you want him to own you? That your desires are not of the vanilla kind. That you want him to dominate you in every aspect. That you need and crave consequences for your brattiness. That sometimes your bratty just because you need him to put you back in your place. That you want him to spank you when you break the rules.

I also know that I can run my mouth. I just say whats on my mind and to hell with the consequences because I can't express my real feelings. So him and I end up arguing and I hate that! Because than I feel even further from where I want to be with him.

He blames how I act on my ex. I know that some of the negative thoughts I have about myself are indeed from the ex. That man will always have my hate for that. I have a negative self image because of him and I always feel as if I am not good enough. If I was prettier or smarter or thinner than I would be able to have what I want and need. But there is also the part of me that acts out trying to force the man I love into being someone that he doesn't want to be and I hate myself and the cycle begins again.

I know I have to start with me. I have to quell my desires if my relationship has a chance. I want a future with him I just hate knowing that my submission will have to be a secret and will never be totally fulfilled.