And again the shit hits the fan

Well again the shit has hit the fan. After my post yesterday we ended up in the worse argument we have ever had at least according to me.

My health has not been good. I know that is a big factor. BUT, I mean if I have a problem and he is supposed to be the one that I can turn to what happens when I try and he has decided to take a day off from me? Should I have been upset? Yes because before he has always told me before he took off but I guess that is gone. I haven't even told him my desires and he is already pulling away. He called me, screamed at me, called me a fucking bitch, and threatened me all before he hung up on me without me being able to even say what was going on with me and why i needed him.

When I texted him he said he loved me and was sorry but when we talked later in the night it was clear that his anger was still there. We ended up fighting until after midnight and he hung up and I spent the night crying.

This morning he said he didn't want to fight he wanted to love me but again his anger was right there at the edge. And of course me being me I can't just let it go I push. And again we end up with him pissed at me and not talking to me. He knows I am jealous of his ex and the fact that he puts her before me and my needs drives me fucking insane. It's also a reason that I hold back my feelings and desires. because I can't stand to have more hurt. He is always ready to leave me so how can I tell him everything I feel and want? How can I do everything that I want to for us with the constant fear of being abandoned?

I know that if we are going to ever a chance that we need to be together and be strong as a couple. I would never cheat or leave him but how many times can I be told I'm replaceable and that he has plenty of fuck buddy's to go back to. I want to keep my promises and give us both the life that we want. I am just scared and he is the only one who can take my fears away but he is afraid to do it. He says he doesn't know how but if he doesn't know how than what the hell kind of a future will we ever have?

I love him with every ounce of my soul. I would do anything for him but I need to know that I matter too. That my needs and wants have importance to him.

If he calls me I will try harder to not let my wants and needs matter. i will try to just be me without telling him of my fears and desires. If he just walks away than I will start over. I will somehow find the strength I need to carry on and make my life work.