Well I actually managed to get thru an entire day without making him angry with me. That might not seem like much to most people but to me its an accomplishment. I don't know if it's the fact that we are physically apart or if it is just me that makes him so angry. It's probably a combination of both factors at this point.

Sometimes the simplest of phrases he takes as me being mean to him when to me I'm just playing. I just don't get it. Maybe it's just me being overly sensitive trying to make this relationship into what I need it to be when it clearly is just a normal vanilla love. Not that there is anything wrong with that because there isn't. And I love him more than I ever thought I could love anyone that didn't come out of my body lol.

Now as if it things weren't hard enough I am on bedrest. It's honestly like wtf! I mean how much more should I have to endure? Being ill for so long has totally changed my perception on life. I no longer feel like a normal member of society. And it also means that now instead of being able to disappear when the asshole ex comes over to see the child that I have to be here!! Which inevitably will cause an argument with the man.

All I know is right now I am stressed. I feel like I am running on empty and I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this. I keep thinking that tomorrow will be a better day but so far my tomorrows all have fallen short. I know I have to pull myself up because I'm the only one who can. But if I had a Master in my world wouldn't he be in control of the things that are causing me so much pain and stress? Wishful thinking I know.

Maybe today will be the day I will risk losing the man I love by telling him my deepest wants and needs. I just hate knowing in my heart that once I do I will again be alone and it won't seem worth it to myself in the now. Oh well what can I do? Either way at this point I'm going to be fucked.