Well here I go!!! My first attempt at blogging about the daily issues affecting my abilities to let go of my bratty ways. Lol I wonder how successful that will be. I have a deep need to be submissive. To let the man in my life take total control of every part of my world. The problem starts with me allowing him to know exactly what I desire.

He thinks that I want the control in our relationship but that most definately is not the case. I just know in my heart that he does not want the lifestyle that is at the center of my being and I'm too afraid to say it directly to him because I just can't handle hearing the words spoken out loud. That this is not the relationship he wants that he can't handle it and I need to find someone else. I love him and want only him. If I didn't than I wouldn't be so afraid.

How do you tell the man you love that you want him to own you? That your desires are not of the vanilla kind. That you want him to dominate you in every aspect. That you need and crave consequences for your brattiness. That sometimes your bratty just because you need him to put you back in your place. That you want him to spank you when you break the rules.

I also know that I can run my mouth. I just say whats on my mind and to hell with the consequences because I can't express my real feelings. So him and I end up arguing and I hate that! Because than I feel even further from where I want to be with him.

He blames how I act on my ex. I know that some of the negative thoughts I have about myself are indeed from the ex. That man will always have my hate for that. I have a negative self image because of him and I always feel as if I am not good enough. If I was prettier or smarter or thinner than I would be able to have what I want and need. But there is also the part of me that acts out trying to force the man I love into being someone that he doesn't want to be and I hate myself and the cycle begins again.

I know I have to start with me. I have to quell my desires if my relationship has a chance. I want a future with him I just hate knowing that my submission will have to be a secret and will never be totally fulfilled.